1 post tagged “bullies”
Crosspost from Not The Life I Pictured
You know, I thought a lot more people I knew would be on MySpace. Granted, most people my age are either busy procreating or working their asses off, few(with the exception of those in my industry), it seems, are paying attention to the hottest thing to hit popular culture since MTV(yeah, I said it). At 31, I did not have a cell phone or a computer until I was out of college. "WHAT?" The young ones are saying. "Before computers? What did you do?? Surely no one was ALIVE then"! Oh but we were and we were ok. Maybe not in touch with each other every second of the day but we made due with the old trusty telephone(cord attached). I actually really thank God that we didn't have text messaging when I was in high school or college, no one ever would have dated me.
Anyway, this is not my old biddy "When I was your age" post. It is about how a person that I haven't spoken to since I was 15 got in contact with me. She sent me an email through MySpace and my junior high years came rushing back. Much to my dismay. Junior high was not a happy time for me. As much as high school was tough and full of dramatic angst ridden moments, junior high was 10 times worse for me. 10. times. worse. High school I found my kindred spirits, I found my place and I found friends that were NICE to me. It was a change.
The girl that emailed me, we'll call her Carolyn. Carolyn was a nice person so I wrote her back to see how she was doing. Honestly, I truly care about how Carolyn is coming along in her life but her email reminded me that last April I had gotten an email from one of my other friends from that time in my life. My "best friend" from that time, Casey. I honestly could do a fuck off and die post about her. Still. To. This. Day. It's hard for me even to talk about Casey but I will because ever since I heard from Carolyn I have not been able to stop thinking about her.
I think I have posted before about how I had befriended the school bully in 4th grade. Casey was that school bully. The reasons I did this, in my opinion, was that I had been picked on to no end when I was little. The kids who lived on my block were mostly older and my father was hittin the sauce a scant too much for me to have friends over. So, I ended up being the outcast. I think in 4th grade, I decided I had enough and it was my turn to be the bully. Unfortunately, I wasn't really cut out to be a bully. I cried at the drop of a hat and was extremely religious. If one of my friends cursed I would say "she's sorry, God" right after they did it. I guess I kind of ended up being Casey's lackey. I would be mean enough to get a laugh out of her and I knew I was safe because everyone else was scared of her.
Casey was fiercely loyal. If anyone said a bad thing about me, they were backed up in a corner in teh playground pleading for their dear life. The problem was that she even bullied me and I was her "best friend". She was just mean for no reason, well, no, there was a reason, because it was "fun" to be mean. When we would get in a fight, as girls in elementary school and junior high often did, she would turn on me so fast it made my head spin. All of a sudden, I would be the one that she focused all of her attention on. It would be a constant barrage of insults, teasing and threats of bodily harm. When she was angry at you, she was a force. People would laugh at you with her, not really for any reason except they were afraid of her too.
In 10th grade, I was able to have enough confidence in myself to pull away from her. Luckily, Casey was too busy with her boyfriend at the time to really pay attention to the fact that I was slowly weaving my way out of her life. Being friends with her was sort of like the mob, the moment you weren't friends with her anymore, you were her target. For awhile, I got away with making new friends and not calling her. Finally, it got to the point where I would pass her in the hall and barely give her a smile. Casey and my old "friends" would stare me down in the hallway(this did not include Carolyn, Carolyn had more important issues she was dealing with at that time and she wasn't very close to them anymore either), whisper and laugh at me when I went by. It didn't really bother me because I knew I was better off. I wanted to go to college and get out of my hometown, two things I knew many in that group of friends were not looking to do. I walked away from them because I had found people that had the same goals that I did essentially but I also, couldn't shake the good feelings I had when I would get into an argument with someone who didn't immediately threaten to kick my ass.
When I was in 11th grade, Casey finally officially turned on me. Her actions, along with another "friend" from junior high, kicked off one of the worst times in my life. I was walking down the hallway between classes and she was walking behind me with this "friend". I could hear both of them giggling and I knew I was fucked. I heard, in the loudest voices possible, them start to make fun of me. So that EVERYONE in the hallway could hear them. They were laughing obnoxiously and pointing. I really can't even remember what they said but I know I was humiliated. I tried to hold in all the tears until I was well away from them. I met my real friends in the hallway who decided that day that they were mad at me for a different reason(ahh, high school). They did feel badly enough for me to comfort me and then tell me after school that they were upset with me. I recall that shortly after that day I had my first bout with depression. I am not saying my depression was caused by this chick but I do remember that incident because it was followed shortly by that first confusing dark period in my life.
Flash forward to April 2005. I was getting ready to go back to Philly to be with my mother through her chemo for breast cancer. I get an email through my classmates.com from Casey. She was talking about how she had a 9 year old daughter and as she was talking to her, she was recalling stories of when she was a young girl. Of course, this made her think of me. Lucky me. I was stunned that this person had the balls to contact me. I proceeded to then delete it. My mother had cancer, I couldn't deal with that "best friend" coming back into my life even if she had changed or grown up to be a damn saint or whatever. All I knew is that her energy made me feel small and I was no longer the little scared girl who felt that she deserved to be small. Plus, I knew that no matter how nice she was, we would have nothing in common now. I deleted that email and never thought of it again.
Until Carolyn's email a few days ago. I was struck with the feelings I had about Casey. I have actual hostility towards her. I didn't think I had feelings about anyone that even resembles hostility from my past. Even people with her name give rise to a mixed feeling of dread and anger. I realize I need to let this go. I mean, it has been too long of a time and I am much to old to be harboring old resentments of my school days. I always felt sorry for people like that. People that were still upset in their twenties and thirties because they weren't popular in high school or because that one boy rejected them when they asked him to prom. Without realizing it, I am one of those people. All because of one small girl who made me her bitch a really long long time ago.
Fucking bitch. Oh dear, sorry God.
